Funny Things

I receive letters, email, and etc. all the time that I think is funny so I am going to start posting them here. If you have anything you want me to post here let me know.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?

A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?

A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?

A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when 2 elephants have been having safe sex in your yard?

A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then sang "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?

A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?

A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?

A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?

A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?

A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?

A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: Because they go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: What’ that red stuff between elephants toes?

A: Slow pygmies.

Totally Useless Information:

1. Coca-cola was originally green.

2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.

4. Dumbest dog: Afghan

5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2

8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%

16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%

19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%

20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC

21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%

23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%

24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%

25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105

26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%

29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3

32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7

33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%

34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%

35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%

36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.

38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon

40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"

42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

43. Only food that does not spoil: honey

44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)

45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig

48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

51. Polar bears are left-handed.

52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

53. Eskimos never gamble.

54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.

60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.

61. Hot water is heavier than cold.

62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.

64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.

65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.

66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.

67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."

68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

71. Men get hiccups more often than women.

72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
 

• Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
  
   

• Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail!
  
   

• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
  
   

• Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
  
   

• Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.
  
   

• Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
  
   

• How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
  
   

• How do snakes end a fight? They hiss and make up.
  
   

• How do you clean ice off tall buildings? With sky scrapers.
  
   

• How do you get a frog off the back window of your car? Use the rear defrogger.
  
   

• How do you revive a drowning rodent? Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
   

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Embarrassed Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!”

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
 

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Georgia.

The Georgia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"   demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer

 

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

 

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.


2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.


3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.


4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.
 

Quotes taken from actual work performance evaluations

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young man has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

14. "A room temperature IQ."

15. "Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the "plastic thingy" to hold it all together."

16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

18. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

19. "Bright as Alaska in December."

20. "One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it."

22. "Fell out of his family tree."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."

26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

27. "Any dumber and he'd have to be watered twice a week."

28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

31. "One neuron short of a synapse."

32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he gargled."

33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Attempted Murder

Wanted for Attempted Murder (the actual AP Headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, Was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for awhile became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into her car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And Yes, Linda is a BLONDE...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird.

The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not crap in the roses!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Rules!

 
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-it-is-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge." group

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and complains: I thought you said I had another 30 years.

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK RACING FAN IF.....................
 

BY JEFF FOXWORTHY-

10. If your wife's nickname is "Lug nut."
09. You use the word, "Pit stop" in your daily conversation.
08. Your family car has flames painted down both sides.
07. You've ever sat in a car on blocks and made engine noises.
06. You've spent more time on top of a Winnebago than inside of one.
05. The word "Bank" makes you think of the third turn at Daytona.
04. You can change oil faster than you can a diaper.
03. You think the best way to advertise is on the hood of a car.
02. You couldn't get in at Talladega because you didn't have a cooler.
01. You think the last four words of THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, is
"GENTLEMEN START YOUR ENGINES."

36 Things You Will Never Hear a SOUTHERN REDNECK Say...
 

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiancé is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."
 
 

 

A Letter from a Redneck Grandma
 

Dear Son:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies..... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day..... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states...... "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.... "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

 

A friend has been doing temp work at various offices. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy. She opened the paper tray, removed the three hole paper and solved the problem.

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
 

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
 

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
 

"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!
 
 

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar, sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, in walks a big tall cowboy, and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun and said,  "I do.....  Why?"  The cowboy said,  "I just thought you should know your horse is just about dead outside!"  The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and Sure Enough, Silver was ready to die from the heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger got the horse water.  soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  The Lone Ranger said to Tonto,  "I want you to run around Silver,  See if you can create enough breeze so as to make him start felling better.  Tonto said,  "Sure Kemosabe",  and took off running circles around Silver.  Not able to do anything else but wait the Long Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.  After a few minutes, in struts another cowboy and asks,  "Who owns that big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do,  What's wrong with him this time?"  The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,  "Nothing, But you left your injun running!"

Top ten signs you joined a cheap HMO

• 10. Annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
• 9. Direction to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
• 8. Tongue Depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle
• 7. Only Proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
• 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
• 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing pants you gave to the goodwill last month.
• 4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
• 3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
• 2. With you last HMO, your thyroid medication didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

and the Number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO.....

• You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape..

ONLY in AMERICA

Only in America...  Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America... do people order cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns n packages of eight.

Only in America... do they have drive up ATM machines with Braille lettering
 
 

On a Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Damn it, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(Too Late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? )

Food for Thought

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

WORDS OF WISDOM

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman to Simple Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Screw this, He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill Forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Unionized

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas

and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the

street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. 

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 

"Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. 

He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old

woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Mommy, Mommy!

Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?

Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs!

Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?

Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..

Shut up, Albert....

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy just poisoned my kitten!

Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it.

No he didn't, he promised me I could!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!

Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!

Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!

Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

He said...She said...

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Billy Bob and Bubba...

Billy Bob and Bubba were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Bubba,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Bubba asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me!"

The bad news...

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and suddenly gets pulled over by the police.

The policeman approaches the car holding the ticket and pen ready and says:

"Young lady, you've been driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name please."

"Hmmph!" - says the blonde looking very irritated "that's just great... And what am I going to be called then?!"

"I don't want to worry you," Johnny said to his teacher, "but last night my dad said that if I didn't start getting better grades on my next report card, someone's butt was going to get kicked."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don’t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? Milk and quackers.

What does an envelope say when you lick it? Nothing, it just shuts up.

What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll? Bait.

What goes "99 thump 99 thump 99 thump...?" A centipede with a wooden leg.

What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"? A watch dog.

What is a reptile's favorite movie? The Lizard of Oz.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing.

What kind of reptile tells time? A clock-odile.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk? Chocolate chimp cookies.

What magazine do cats like to read? Good Mousekeeping.

What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog.

How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? "Well done."

What did one cloned sheep say to the other? "I am ewe."

What did one magnet say to the other magnet? "I find you very attractive."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do cats like on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs? Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light saving time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
 

A guy is telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."