Pagan Humor

Please be aware that some of the jokes may contain profanity or adult situations.

If you think you may be offended please don't proceed.



The Chocolate Ritual written by John Shepard,

Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the great big one-as the athame); a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice); a small dish of Nestlé's Quick and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles) Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me And as I will So Mote It BE! Nestlé's Quick where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolaty!

CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll): CALL THE QUARTERS: Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! great prince of the palace of dessert. Be present, we pray thee, And guard this circle from all moochers Approaching from the East. Fondue of the South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace decadence. Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diet Approaching from the South. Cocoa of the West, Satisfying One! Great prince of the palace of thirst. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all carob Approaching from the West. Rocky Road of the North, Cold One! Great prince of the palace of crunchy. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all cheap imitations Approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL: HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called; Godiva, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names: HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine is also the Joy on Earth, yea, even into High Orbit for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand." Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death.......well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again....and again....and again...... and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.

For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery; "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it." For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed Be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names. HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out.

You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "Baking Chocolate" for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.

Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be farther away from you that that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.

CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO: (The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo) HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better that dark chocolate. HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate. HP: For both are better than the falsely named "White Chocolate." HPS: And neither one is carob. HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake. HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar. BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate. (The blessing of the cupcakes)

HP: Frosting is keen, HPS: And the frosting is neat. BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat! Feasting and drinking (chocolate liqueur, if possible), music and dance. Dismiss Quarters. HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the _______________, We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best." ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."

(After all the quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at the East.) Close circle.


10 Ways to Piss off a Witch
(Author Unknown)

  1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
  2. Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
  3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
  4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
  5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
  6. Witness to them about the "true religion".
  7. Untie the knots in their cord.
  8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
  9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.
  10. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.

Misc. Pagan Humor

Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor

Q: Why do witches use Brooms?
A: Because nature abhors a vacuum.

Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

Pagan Pick-up Lines
(collected from various sources)

- Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?

- Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?

- Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?

- Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.

- What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?

- You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.

- You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long.

- Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

You know your Coven's getting older when…
Author Unknown

  • The ritual feast is puréed.
  • Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
  • The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
  • Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
  • The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
  • The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
  • The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon
  • When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
  • It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
  • The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
  • You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
  • You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
  • You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
  • At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
  • You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.
  • You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
  • You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
  • All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
  • Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
  • A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
  • No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
  • When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."
  • When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
  • When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
  • You do anointing with Aspercreme.
  • The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
  • You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
  • You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
  • You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
  • You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
  • You need a flashlight to find the candles.


You might be a Techno Pagan if…
Author Unknown

- You call your corners on a cellular phone.

- You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.

- You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.

- You use a remote control in place of an athame.

- You download your Book of Shadows.

- You cast your circle in a chat room.

- Your familiar is a mouse.

- You attend ritual sky clad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.

- Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.

- Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.

- Your cauldron is a crock-pot.

- Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.

- Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.

- If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.

- Your athame has a SCSI interface.

- Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.

- Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.

- You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.

- Your altar has a keyboard.

- Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).

- You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.

- You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.

- You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.

- You invite the God and Goddess to come online.

- You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).

- You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.

- You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.

- Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.

- Your candles have batteries.

- Your deities include Murphy and Gates.

- Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).

- Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).

- Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.

- Your incense is by Glade.

- Your magic wand is a laser pointer.

- Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.

- Your pentacle is made of computer chips.

- Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.

- Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.

- Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.

- You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).

- You do cord magick with ethernet.

- You ritually down your server for Samhain.

- When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.

- Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.

- Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).

- Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.

- Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.

- Your search for truth involves regular expressions.

- You draw down the moon using a light-pen.

- Your tarot cards multi-task.

- Your daemons collect news for you.

- Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.

- You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.

- You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.

- Your favorite deity has a homepage.

- The address of your covenstead begins with http://

- Your circle is a token ring

Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be broken up into several less powerful deities.

"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."

The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on behalf of a coalition of "lesser deities" and polytheistic mortals, alleged that He violated antitrust laws by claiming in the Holy Bible that He was the sole creator of the universe, and by strictly prohibiting the worship of what He termed "false idols."

"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before Him, and He frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to intimidate potential deserters,"

Prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert said. "God uses other questionable strong-arm tactics to secure and maintain humanity's devotion, demanding, among other things, that people sanctify their firstborn to Him and obtain circumcisions as a show of faith. There have also been documented examples of Him smiting those caught worshipping graven images."

Attorneys for God did not deny such charges. They did, however, note that God offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for their loyalty, including eternal salvation, protection from harm, and "fruitfulness."

"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with a 'covenant' contract that guaranteed they would be the most favored in His eyes, and He handed down standards of morality, cleanliness, and personal conduct that exceeded anything else practiced at the time," lead defense attorney Patrick Childers said. "He readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is threatened by the prospect of competition from other gods, but because He is utterly convinced of the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best choice for mortals. Many of these so-called gods could care less if somebody bears false witness or covets thy neighbor's wife. Our client, on the other hand, is truly a 'People's God.'"

In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that He did not deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival deities. God's attorneys attempted to convince the judge of His openness to rivals, pointing to His longtime participation in the "Holy Trinity," but the effort failed when Schofield determined that Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are "more God subsidiaries than competitors."

To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required to divide Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods, each representing a force of nature or a specific human custom, occupation, or state of mind.

"There will most likely be a sun god, a moon god, sea god, and rain god," said religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then there will be some second-tier deities, like a god of wine, a goddess of the harvest, and perhaps a few who symbolize human love and/or blacksmithing."

Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that it will usher in a new era of greater worshipping options, increased efficiency, and more personalized service.

"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive, chronic backlogs, and many prayers have gone unanswered in the process," said Gene Suozzi, a Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism, you pray to the deity specifically devoted to your concern. If you wish to have children, you pray to the fertility goddess. If you want to do well on an exam, you pray to the god of wisdom, and so on. This decentralization will result in more individualized service and swifter response times."

Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup is for the best, pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic worship and noting that multiple gods demand an elaborate regimen of devotion that today's average worshipper may find arduous and inconvenient.

"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings before an earthenware household god to ensure that their car will start on a cold winter morning, I suppose they can have it," said Father Thomas Reinholdt, theology professor at Chicago's Loyola University. "What's more, lesser deities are infamous for their mercurial nature. They often meddle directly in diplomatic affairs, abduct comely young mortal women for their concubines, and are not above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice. Monotheism, for all its faults, at least means convenience, stability, and a consistent moral code."

One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek god Zeus, who described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."

"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-rate sky deity ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his Mt. Olympus residence. "Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lived eternally up in the clouds? And the whole fearsome, patriarchal, white-beard, thunderbolt thing? I was doing that eons before this two-bit hustler started horning in on the action."

Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and are prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.

"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers everywhere, and we refuse to submit to a breakup until every possible avenue of argument is pursued," Childers said. "I have every confidence that God will ultimately win, as He and His lawyers are all-powerful."

This "article" originally appeared in The Onion,




Copyright © 2003 - 2023 KK

Most recent revision July 31, 2023 07:45:41 PM