Please be aware that
some of the jokes may contain profanity or adult situations.
If you think you may
be offended please don't proceed.
The Chocolate Ritual written by John Shepard,
Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the
great big one-as the athame); a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice); a
small dish of Nestlé's Quick and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a
plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles) Chocolate
sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat
adhere to me And as I will So Mote It BE! Nestlé's Quick where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my
milk all chocolaty!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll): CALL THE QUARTERS: Mousse of the East,
Fluffy one! great prince of the palace of dessert. Be present, we pray thee, And
guard this circle from all moochers Approaching from the East. Fondue of the
South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace decadence. Be present we pray
thee, and guard this circle from all diet Approaching from the South. Cocoa of
the West, Satisfying One! Great prince of the palace of thirst. Be present we
pray thee, And guard this circle from all carob Approaching from the West. Rocky
Road of the North, Cold One! Great prince of the palace of crunchy. Be present
we pray thee, And guard this circle from all cheap imitations Approaching from
MAIN RITUAL: HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the
words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called; Godiva, Ethel M, Sara
Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names: HPS: Whenever you have one of
those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to
the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the Mall shall you assemble,
you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall
bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression, and as
a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my
For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine is also
the Joy on Earth, yea, even into High Orbit for my law is "Melts in your mouth,
not in your hand." Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop
you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste
that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the
Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women.
Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death.......well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your
money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business and you have to pay for
those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose
feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores
everywhere: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness
of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise
and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all confections spring,
and unto me all of you shall return, again....and again....and again...... and
again. Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine
self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy
mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let
there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size
pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who
think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless
you know the Mystery; "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it." For
behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is
attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed Be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli,
Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names. HP: I am the
strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor, but looks like
it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark
chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt
you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead
of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive
Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate,
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and
the shelter of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out.
You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that
you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half
melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the
bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge
you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge
you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that
first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of
Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "Baking
Chocolate" for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some
chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder,
or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached
the end of your hoard, I will never be farther away from you that that 7-Eleven
on the corner. I am the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never
get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO: (The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo) HP: Be it known that milk
chocolate is not better that dark chocolate. HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better
than milk chocolate. HP: For both are better than the falsely named "White
Chocolate." HPS: And neither one is carob. HP: As the frosting is to the
cupcake. HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar. BOTH: And when they
are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the
world than one made of chocolate. (The blessing of the cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen, HPS: And the frosting is neat. BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's
eat! Feasting and drinking (chocolate liqueur, if possible), music and dance.
Dismiss Quarters. HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the _______________, We thank
you for attending our rites and guarding our circle and ere you depart for your
sweet and sticky realms, We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very
best." ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."
(After all the quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at
the East.) Close circle.
10 Ways to Piss off a Witch
- Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
- Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
- Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No
need to waste a good candle!)
- Pick up their gems for a closer look.
- Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
- Witness to them about the "true religion".
- Untie the knots in their cord.
- Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
- Play card games with their Tarot cards.
- Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
Misc. Pagan Humor
Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.
Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor
Q: Why do witches use Brooms?
A: Because nature abhors a vacuum.
Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven
Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children,"
the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!,"
says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
Pagan Pick-up Lines
(collected from various sources)
- Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet
alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?
- Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?
- Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?
- Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.
- What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?
- You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.
- You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all
- Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
You know your Coven's getting
- The ritual feast is
- Last Beltane the coven
decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
- The last time you tried to
do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
- Viagra is kept in the
- The maiden of the coven is
- The ritual room is
outfitted with defibrillators
- The coveners drive their
RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon
- When you are at a festival
you go to bed at sunset
- It takes the whole coven
to move the cauldron
- The high priest still has
a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
- You find yourself using
your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
- You tell an initiate that
in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when
you did a Yule ritual
- You drop your teeth in the
- At Samhain you see more of
your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
- You put your athame in the
chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.
- You hold an all night
blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
- You use Glenn Miller
records for trance music.
- All of your ritual robes
- Your coven has a 401(k)
- A nitro pill vial replaces
the crystal on your pendant.
- No one's successfully
jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
- When the coven sings,
"Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."
- When you set comfy chairs
around the circle.
- When you sit on the floor
and can't get up again.
- You do anointing with
- The oak tree your coven
planted died of old age.
- You use Bran Muffins and
Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
- You don't use salt to
consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
- You use a walker during
the Wild Hunt
- You prefer to rent a Hall
for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
- You need a flashlight to
find the candles.
You might be a Techno Pagan if…
- You call your corners on a cellular phone.
- You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
- You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
- You use a remote control in place of an athame.
- You download your Book of Shadows.
- You cast your circle in a chat room.
- Your familiar is a mouse.
- You attend ritual sky clad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a
- Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
- Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
- Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
- Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
- Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
- If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
- Your athame has a SCSI interface.
- Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
- Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
- You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
- Your altar has a keyboard.
- Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
- You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
- You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
- You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
- You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
- You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
- You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
- You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
- Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
- Your candles have batteries.
- Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
- Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
- Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
- Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV
- Your incense is by Glade.
- Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
- Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
- Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
- Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating
system they run.
- Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
- Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
- You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
- You do cord magick with ethernet.
- You ritually down your server for Samhain.
- When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
- Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
- Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
- Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
- Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
- Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
- You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
- Your tarot cards multi-task.
- Your daemons collect news for you.
- Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
- You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
- You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
- Your favorite deity has a homepage.
- The address of your covenstead begins with http://
- Your circle is a token ring
Judge Orders God To Break Up
Into Smaller Deities
WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the religion
industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled Monday that
God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be broken up into
several less powerful deities.
"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as
God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and
demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening
non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge Charles Elliot
Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out for Himself an
The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on behalf of a coalition
of "lesser deities" and polytheistic mortals, alleged that He violated antitrust
laws by claiming in the Holy Bible that He was the sole creator of the universe,
and by strictly prohibiting the worship of what He termed "false idols."
"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before Him, and He
frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to intimidate potential
Prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert said. "God uses other questionable
strong-arm tactics to secure and maintain humanity's devotion, demanding, among
other things, that people sanctify their firstborn to Him and obtain
circumcisions as a show of faith. There have also been documented examples of
Him smiting those caught worshipping graven images."
Attorneys for God did not deny such charges. They did, however, note that God
offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for their loyalty, including
eternal salvation, protection from harm, and "fruitfulness."
"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with a 'covenant' contract that
guaranteed they would be the most favored in His eyes, and He handed down
standards of morality, cleanliness, and personal conduct that exceeded anything
else practiced at the time," lead defense attorney Patrick Childers said. "He
readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is threatened by the
prospect of competition from other gods, but because He is utterly convinced of
the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best choice for mortals. Many
of these so-called gods could care less if somebody bears false witness or
covets thy neighbor's wife. Our client, on the other hand, is truly a 'People's
In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that He did not
deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival deities. God's attorneys
attempted to convince the judge of His openness to rivals, pointing to His
longtime participation in the "Holy Trinity," but the effort failed when
Schofield determined that Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are "more God
subsidiaries than competitors."
To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required to divide
Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods, each representing a force of nature
or a specific human custom, occupation, or state of mind.
"There will most likely be a sun god, a moon god, sea god, and rain god," said
religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then there will be some second-tier
deities, like a god of wine, a goddess of the harvest, and perhaps a few who
symbolize human love and/or blacksmithing."
Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that it will usher in
a new era of greater worshipping options, increased efficiency, and more
"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive, chronic backlogs, and
many prayers have gone unanswered in the process," said Gene Suozzi, a
Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism, you pray to the deity specifically
devoted to your concern. If you wish to have children, you pray to the fertility
goddess. If you want to do well on an exam, you pray to the god of wisdom, and
so on. This decentralization will result in more individualized service and
swifter response times."
Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup is for the best,
pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic worship and noting that multiple
gods demand an elaborate regimen of devotion that today's average worshipper may
find arduous and inconvenient.
"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings before an
earthenware household god to ensure that their car will start on a cold winter
morning, I suppose they can have it," said Father Thomas Reinholdt, theology
professor at Chicago's Loyola University. "What's more, lesser deities are
infamous for their mercurial nature. They often meddle directly in diplomatic
affairs, abduct comely young mortal women for their concubines, and are not
above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice. Monotheism, for all its faults,
at least means convenience, stability, and a consistent moral code."
One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek god Zeus, who
described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."
"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-rate sky deity
ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his Mt. Olympus residence.
"Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created men in his own
image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lived eternally up in the clouds?
And the whole fearsome, patriarchal, white-beard, thunderbolt thing? I was doing
that eons before this two-bit hustler started horning in on the action."
Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and are prepared to
go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers everywhere, and we refuse
to submit to a breakup until every possible avenue of argument is pursued,"
Childers said. "I have every confidence that God will ultimately win, as He and
His lawyers are all-powerful."
This "article" originally appeared in The Onion,